As I shared in Part 1, I am innately wired to be more passivist than aggressor in conflict. Equal in falling short of the mark when not balanced with speaking the truth in love, just in a different way. Passivity enables dysfunction; aggression, while it may be your default, won’t get you what you truly want either, authentic love and respect. You may intimidate your spouse or kids to submit to your desire or will. You may demand obedience by threat, but you won’t win their hearts. Rules without relationship will result in rebellion (if not immediately, eventually). It’s possible to obtain and live with a false sense of loyalty or respect (for decades).
It is helpful to consider why people do what they do. Is your/my spouse complying, submitting to my demand out of fear of my cutting words, intimidation, or body language that screams of rejection using no words? The stinging silent treatment. What about my kids? Do they obey me out of a sense of love and respect (mutual respect)? Is it possible everyone is walking on eggshells, and no one challenges you for fear of your wrath? I grew up hearing the phrase, ‘If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy’. We would chuckle. But it became a phrase because it’s a thing. The question is, is that how I want my household to be? Do I want my spouse and kids to live in a secure relationship with me? Does my spouse recoil or withdraw from my constant anger? Do I want trained monkeys who jump when I say jump, doing my bidding because of fear, insecure of my love for them?
I’ve referred to the phrase ‘opposites attract’. Often the more passive personality is attracted to the aggressive personality, the ‘get things done-charge the hill’ personality.
Just as a gentle passive personality can be a gift, so can the aggressive ‘get things done’ personality when tempered with love. The problem is when either of those personalities aren’t boundaried. Any gift unboundaried can be a weakness. If my ‘charge the hill’ personality isn’t tempered with patience, I will trample hearts. If my gentler spirit doesn’t appropriately and with love call wrong, ‘wrong’, I will set myself up to be a doormat or fail to guide those in my life to do right.
If I want an authentic, true, mutually respectful, loving relationship and I have a ‘charge the hill’ ‘get ‘er done’ personality, I would be well advised to humble myself, be correctable, receive loving criticism (welcome it!). If I am a ‘safe’ person to have conflict with or correct, then I am teeing things up to have true, devoted friends and family members who I know will feel safe to speak truth into my life and visa versa.
‘Well, it’s just how I am wired,’ you say. I’ve heard Dr. Phil say in his southern drawl, ‘You can be right, or you can be happy!’. If you or I consistently trample others’ hearts, people will not feel safe to be vulnerable with us. Period. We can pretend gravity doesn’t exist or choose to not respect it, but if we step off that scaffolding 15 ft. up, gravity will take hold and the impact when we hit the ground will be substantial. It’s gonna hurt. The same idea applies to relationships. There is cause and effect in how we choose to engage with others. If I don’t sow love, I won’t reap love. If I sow in anger or intimidation, I may reap a false loyalty, but I won’t reap true devotion.
If you haven’t read Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend, it’s an invaluable read, an essential to my reference library. In fact, perhaps it’s a must re-read for me. Wink-wink. https://www.drcloud.com/books/boundaries