The Enigma
The pain, frustration and bewilderment were palpable. An exposed nerve.
“Christine, why do my relationships all end in disaster? Why do people keep leaving me?”
Not one to shy away from a question, my brain went to work. My heart hurt for my friend. Being a coach, I walk a fine line between connecting with what my clients are feeling and not losing my objectivity, curiosity, ability to think. Sometimes they are truly the victim of a person who is malicious with a toxic personality, other times the client is the common denominator in a cluster of relationship dysfunction, oftentimes it’s a little of both. The human brain is more powerful than a supercomputer. Ask it a question and it will go to work to find us answers. One of my foundational principles in coaching is to be grounded in truth, hence the tagline ‘whole truth coaching’. Is what we are even trying to answer based in truth or reality? My first question was, is it true that all of her (or at least many) relationships have ended badly? (Is this question even a good and accurate question?) Sadly, yes it was a valid question, as there was a string of relationships that were unhealthy and severed.
Understanding the history of several of these relationships and some of the personality profiles of the friends who had left her, as well as how she used to view herself, I could see the thread that connected it all.
There is a reason there is the saying, ‘opposites attract’. You see it all the time in marriage! A quiet husband married to a very verbal and highly communicative wife; the introvert attached to the extrovert; the highly scheduled with the spouse that will be late to their own funeral; dominant personality/submissive personality. You get the point. There is something to who we are, how we view ourselves and what we attract.
In contrast, you also have heard the adage ‘misery loves company’ and there is a reason that saying became a saying. Both sayings were relevant and at play.
Circling back to the original question and the Questioner, I asked myself, ‘what is the common thread here?’ Indeed, she was the common thread in all these relationships. She is a sweet, loving, giving person who cares deeply about others. Is she perfect? Like every one of us on this planet the answer would be an emphatic ‘no’. Like all of us, she has some issues, trying to function and navigate this world in relationship and community with others.
With a history of severe childhood abuse, this person viewed herself as a victim (even though she was no longer in the abusive relationships of her childhood). Was vs. is, the verb tense matters. I believe how we view ourselves plays a significant role in how others view us and who we attract into our lives. Oftentimes a person who views themselves as a victim will attract the more aggressive personality, possibly even an abusive personality. In addition, with misery loving company, a person who views themselves as a victim will attract others who view themselves as a victim and they will commiserate over their mutual bond of past abuse. As a person becomes healthy, thinks differently and begins to choose a different identity of a ‘person of choice, capability and optimism in a future full of hope’, those relationships will no longer function as they did before. There will inherently be a friction, the gears will no longer mesh as they once did. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Pain and grief though uncomfortable. are part of moving forward to wholeness. It is sad when relationships end. I am usually not a proponent of ending relationships. I am also not a proponent of perpetuating dysfunction or allowing abuse to keep a relationship going. As we pursue healthy function, sometimes there are necessary endings.
My posts will often have as a case history that is an amalgam of many clients’ experiences. As people we have common troubles, common stories and backgrounds. I am not referencing any one particular client in my posts. My work with my clients is confidential and private. There is no correlation to any one client or client’s story; any correlation is coincidental.