It’s a saying that I grew up with and hear it every now and then. ‘To be brutally honest with you.…….’ but I never really stopped to think about what saying something ‘brutally honest’ means. I never questioned whether it was good and loving to be brutally honest. But recently, observing a couple communicating, it hit me….is it necessary to be ‘brutal’ while being honest?
I’ve worked with couples where one spouse is verbally more aggressive (possibly abusive) than the other spouse. I have seen this played in both sexes-where the husband is the one who is verbally brutal; I have also seen it flipped with the wife being more verbally aggressive, even cruel. Then turning to me and saying, ‘Well I am just being honest.’ My response is, ‘No, you weren’t just being honest, you were being honest and unnecessarily brutal.’
I’m not suggesting that we not speak the truth. I am all for the truth…..all the while not abandoning love. I have a table pounding passion for the truth-but wow. Can’t we couch it with some kindness, empathy? Is the goal to cut the other person or to restore? Is the goal to just express/vent our frustration to another person without regard of collateral damage? Do we want our message to be received or rejected? There is a way to communicate in such a way that there is little to no hope of what you want to convey being heard, let alone being received or accepted.
- Going Global. All encompassing language. It usually lacks complete truth. There is a difference between, ‘most ‘ and ‘all’ for instance. Words like: everyone, no one, always, all, never. For instance when you say, ‘You never listen to me.’ The person you are talking to will likely reject what you are conveying….because there is no wiggle room. Never means never. Well is it true-never? It might be often-but never? Instead, frame it in a positive way that the hearer of your words will receive a constructive prompt. “I appreciate it when you just let me talk and listen to what I have to say, if you want to respond, it would be great if you would consider my words and wait for me to finish. I want to hear what you have to say as well.’ It’s asking, in a kind tone, what you would like them to do, instead of telling them how they are failing you.
- Labeling. Don’t label the person. Tag the behavior and gently point it out if you must. But separate the person from their behavior. ‘She lied’ is different than, ‘She is a liar’. ‘She lied’, might be pointing out a fact if you have proof. While ‘she is a liar’, leaves no room in the mind that she could be anything but. While we may not be in love with their actions, when we label a person, we actually ‘objectify’ them we fail to seem them as a valuable person-a person who was made in the image of God-precious in His sight, worthy of dying for and just like us, flawed and in need of grace and mercy. It’s a subconscious thing that happens when we label people and objectify them and that seemingly little thing can cause huge destruction in our communication. It’s sneaky. But it becomes much easier to judge, look down on and treat with brutality/cruelty when we assign a label.
- Consider your tone. Is it harsh? Snarky? Dripping with judgement or disgust? Could your statement end with….’you idiot’ even though the actual words weren’t said but the tone implied? I’ve heard it said that we shouldn’t ask the question ‘why’ because it can be so off-putting. I say, any question can be off putting, to include, ‘why’, if said with a tone that is abrasive. So if our tone is harsh or critical, that’s because something deeper is going on in our hearts and is coming out of us. Matthew 12:34 says, ‘…………….For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.’ I would go so far as to say that our body language does as well. It’s not just our words, it’s our tone, it’s our body language.
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