In my last post Brutally Honest – Part 1 – mustard seed coaching and mediation, we talked about separating brutality from honesty and some communication helps, such as staying away from labeling, positive vs. negative tone/body language and not going ‘global’ with our words.
The holidays are in full swing and many will be traveling and getting together with in-laws, their own dysfunctional families and outlaws (snicker, snicker-did I just say outlaws?). People contact me this time of year because they started stressing about the ‘fun family get-together’ 6 months ago. It can be wonderful, warm and a great time of connection to our roots and other branches that make up the family ‘tree’. Truth be told, it also has the potential of being a toxic stew.
3 communication tips to help out:
- A nice landing. Like a programmer that writes code-a good programmer writes code with the end-user in mind. A great communicator speaks with the hearer in mind and asks himself, ‘How would I like to hear this?’ Especially if you have to give some constructive criticism. Blunt and brutal may not be the way to go if you want to remain close.
- Don’t ‘but’ your sorry. Avoid if, but, and maybe if you apologize. Own your wrong. In boot camp one of the sayings was, ‘no excuses’. It was honorable. You owned your mess ups and wrongs. Don’t disqualify your apology and unwind it, by following it with an excuse. It sends the message that you are sorry, but you really aren’t sorry, you are justified in your wrong action, and further, it might happen again….giving the receiver of the apology no sense that you get what you did, inflicting another round of pain to the receiver. People have become used to the apologies they hear to be disqualified by an excuse. Be different. Imagine how refreshing it would be to hear an apology-no excuses, the other person taking complete responsibility for their wrong. It can completely diffuse an argument. Truth is, we are 100% responsible for how we navigate this world, it doesn’t matter what other people do or have done to us, we always have the option of doing right in the face of wrong that has been done to us.
- When a conversation starts to go sideways-it can be helpful to affirm the relationship. Let the person know you value them and the relationship more than ‘being right’. It’s ok to agree that you disagree and still love the person. My brother and I for instance are very close, get along fantastically and giggle like little kids when we get together; we love each other. That said, there are certain subjects that we absolutely aren’t on the same page with but we remain respectful with our conversation and agree to disagree while focusing on the topics that we can have communication around. When I have a hard-something to say, I often couch it by affirming the person or our relationship, say what I have to say respectfully and kindly, and then affirm that our relationship is secure or state something positive to the person. I have heard that called a sandwich statement.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas-a VERY Merry Christmas-full of nice landings, no negative ‘buts’ and lots of affirming sandwich statements! 2023 is around the corner-I will be rolling out some new offerings for 2023 so we can all blaze a new trail-joyful, growing deeper, more meaningful, secure relationships!
Click here to check out my Christian Marriage Troubleshooting 6 Week Course for all kinds of tools to think differently and navigate the relationship challenges that come with marriage: Christian Marriage Trouble-Shooting 6 Week Course | Mustard Seed (teachable.com)