It’s early June and I just came in the house from performing an exorcism in one of my front flower beds. It has been a chilly, wet spring here not feeling like summer yet, typical for southwestern Montana. This evening though, it was a mild 68 degrees, perfect for accomplishing some desperately needed weeding. As time went on it became increasingly overcast and began a light mist, followed by a light sprinkle, followed by a steady downpour. It was exhilarating making such spectacular headway though I looked as if I was mud wrestling a mountain lion, and in a way, I guess I was. Not exactly wrestling a lioness, but lupinus perennis, commonly known as lupine. I planted them 3 years ago in one of my beds, thrilled and anticipating the burst of glorious color having seen them growing wild up the Bridger Canyon. Little did I know that not only are they a breathtaking bloom of varying pastels in the June-Rocky Mountains, they also are invasive as it turned out, not having any concept or respect for my boundaries. They came in and didn’t take no for an answer. At year two, I knew I had a problem, but they were so pretty when they bloomed, I didn’t choose to eradicate them. It got me to thinking whilst getting muddier by the minute how people can be like an invasive species when they don’t respect boundaries, they take over your life if you don’t have a concept for or respect your own boundaries. It is good to be able to speak up in a kind, loving yet truthful way.
Not wanting anyone ever to dislike me or be upset with me, I used to say, ‘Yes!’ to everything whether I wanted to or not. Whether it was a good decision to say yes or not, I pretty much always gave the nod, even to my own…( and my marriage’s) detriment. ‘Yes’ was my modus operandum for fear that, ‘No’ would leave me wanton for friendship. It’s true, and it’s ugly, I was fake and unboundaried.
The trick is determining when to say yes and when to say no. Not to give the impression I am a saint or land it perfectly all the time, I can also say, ‘no’, for selfish reasons, dodging being a blessing and selfless when I could and should say, ‘yes!’ and instead, calling it a ‘boundaried no’ when it’s good old fashioned selfishness. That is just as wrong as having no boundaries and saying yes for all the wrong reasons, which I’ve also done.
Just like an invasive specie can look attractive at the outset, so can a person who won’t respect your boundaries. Sometimes it’s as if that personality has a nose for the person without boundaries. They can be very flattering, but with a motive attached to the flattery, which can make it all very complicated to understand and discern and it can be downright confusing. They may not even realize at a conscious level what they are doing. On the one hand it seems really great, that person makes you look and feel like a superhero. On the other, you find yourself serving them and superheroing constantly while not accomplishing your own goals in a healthy, timely manner, justifying the lack of follow through with your tasks because you did something great for someone else and they flattered you. If for instance you have bills to pay by a certain date, is it good to forego getting that accomplished to help this person who is otherwise capable of getting their own project over the finish line and you take the hit with late fees and interest because you didn’t prioritize your own responsibilities? Please don’t hear what I am not saying. I am not saying it is bad to serve others. It is wonderful to live a selfless life and serve others! At the same time, it is absolutely ok and healthy to at times say, ‘I’d love to but, no I can’t this time’ without self-imposed or other-imposed guilt and shame when your, ‘no’ is for the right reasons.
The goal would be to know your why. Don’t live reflexively and checked out, always on the merry-go-round that’s spinning out of control. Why are you saying yes? Why are you saying no? Are you saying yes while feeling a no? Are you saying no when you feel you should be saying yes? And are those conflicting feelings appropriate or not? Do you have inappropriate conditioned guilt? All good questions to consider. When you place the boundary, is the person you are boundarying respectful and willing to make changes? Here is a link to Dr. Henry Cloud’s blog that loosely deals with examining your why in a relationship. https://www.boundaries.me/blog/how-to-tell-if-your-relationship-is-a-waste-of-time