Do you find that you and your spouse are often in conflict and can’t get out of the cycle?
It’s like the cycle feeds itself. And when you aren’t fighting-there is just tension…..or perhaps you begin a conversation with your spouse and, with a history of chronic conflict, though you begin the conversation in a way that shouldn’t provoke anger, he/she comes back at you with a less than loving, irritable, snappy, seemingly ‘triggered’ response, even though you changed gears and approached him in a softer, more sensitive way. So what’s up with that?
Your spouse might be currently reacting to past conflict between you. We so often react based on what is going on in our subconscious mind and past patterns of conflict. So your spouse likely has a lot going on subconsciously-below level of awareness….and it comes out sideways at you.
These days there is a lot of talk about boundaries. About having healthy boundaries surrounding what you will and won’t let in, in terms of how others treat us. That is fantastic and I am all for it. But I am going to introduce a twist in our thinking about boundaries, because, well….that is what I do. I like to flip things around and challenge my thinking and others’. The tool I will suggest is not mine, I learned it in coaching school-but the concept applies to thinking about boundaries in a new way. In a way that you put a fence around what you let out as opposed to what you let in. You see we don’t have control over what others do, but we do have control over our own choices. Having healthy boundaries around our choices is key.
Now is an opportunity for us to do a little self-reflection and to be brutally honest with ourselves. In fact, unless you guys are already heated or he/she is simply not a safe person, you might ask your spouse if they feel like you are constantly bringing up issues that lead to conflict? Ask yourself. If you have a habit of being critical. (more critical than positive) I will caveat that by saying you need to be a safe spouse to give honest feedback to. You can’t pose that question and then react with aggression or passive-aggression if they have some tough feedback to hear. You don’t want to punish your spouse with the silent treatment for sharing honestly with you, or lash out and defend yourself. Just listen and take it in. You are on a information gathering mission. Remain curious and open, and yes, their feedback might sting a little. You want to hear their sense of what is going on in your relationship. Again, hard-to-hear-information might just be the thing that turns the whole relationship around! Fun doesn’t have to be part of the equation for it to be productive feedback. Wounds of a friend are faithful!
If your spouse has a triggered response to you beginning conversation that has potential for escalating to conflict-maybe it’s a good time to start putting a ‘boundary’ around your feedback to them. When you have an issue with something they are doing, whether that be mechanically, in the chores they don’t do that you wish they would help with, the way they do things, or with their organization, or possibly how they speak with you or …..don’t speak to you because of distractions. Ask ‘when would be a good time to talk about some things’ and when you ask-make it totally casual. Normal. Not like a G8 Peace Summit that world peace hangs on. Don’t approach it with a furrowed disapproving brow and the tone, ‘we need to have a talk’ and it’s life or death, infusing stress in advance. Tell your spouse that you read from a coach’s blog, that this is a technique that can actually decrease conflict and infuse peace throughout the rest of the week. And make it a weekly meeting. Promise to save the issues you need to address for that meeting unless it’s life or death (and keep that promise). Sometimes people get triggered when they feel as though there isn’t a fence around the conflict, always needing to be on guard for conflict. Imagine how much more peaceful your days will be by starting a habit of ‘fencing’ the issues you need to communicate about that have potential for rising to conflict. Your spouse may be better able to be present and willing to talk things through if there is an appointed time to deal with issues and it creates safety for the rest of the week. Also-don’t make that your ‘date night’! This talk-time is separate of that. Keep date night, date night-light, fun, connected.
Click here to check out my Christian Marriage Troubleshooting 6 Week Course for all kinds of tools to think differently and navigate the relationship challenges that come with marriage: Christian Marriage Trouble-Shooting 6 Week Course | Mustard Seed (teachable.com) *****BLACK FRIDAY/CYBER MONDAY DEAL STILL GOING! 50% OFF UNTIL DECEMBER 11th! A fantastic gift to your marriage!