In this world where there seems to be a lot of confusion about a lot of things we absolutely shouldn’t be confused about, the confusion of grieving someone who hasn’t passed from this life, but rather gone from our lives is, well….confusing and can actually delay the grief/healing process. Let me explain where I’m tracking with non-traditional grief.
I think normally we apply grief to grieving the loss of a loved one (person or pet), when they pass from this life to the next. We expect to grieve this. It helps our brains to accept….makes sense to our brains that we won’t see the physical representation of that person any longer-though, even this reality is painful and a process that can take time. That pain, though not welcome is expected. It is an undeniable reality. We enter the grief process whether we want to or not. It’s a necessary painful part of our moving forward in life in a healthy way.
Grief can be delayed because in part we don’t realize anything needs to be grieved. Could it be that mentally we only assign grief to what we do when someone dies, but we don’t make the jump to other kinds of losses? Death can take many forms. Dreams die. Careers can die prematurely due to unforeseen circumstances. Health and independence can die, as we age, we can have limitations we didn’t have when we were 20, while we yet continue to live. People lose eyesight, limbs, or their mobility. People lose their homes and belongings due to catastrophic financial losses or natural disasters, that is a death of sorts. Sometimes we stumble along seemingly in the twilight zone, out of sorts after events like these without naming what we are going through as grief. We lose our appetites. Our sleep patterns can be disrupted. Our get up and go, got up and went leaving us behind. We feel hungry but nothing sounds good to eat, or we crave all the stuff that will ultimately sap our energy and make us feel even more lethargic and unmotivated to do anything. We are bored, but don’t feel like doing anything. Twilight zone stuff for sure, I know it because I’ve experienced it. One can literally think they are losing it. We can get caught between death (whatever loss we’ve experienced) and life-moving forward because we don’t actually take time or make space to grieve. On a subconscious level we might even think we can circumvent it.
Another circumstance where the grief process can experience a hiccup and brains have difficulty processing loss is when a person no longer in our lives hasn’t passed away, but our relationship with them has been severed. I think this can cause confusion because it simply shouldn’t be, in a perfect world. Our hearts were made for a perfect world and perfect relationships with God and others, and since the fall this world doesn’t operate as it should-relationships that shouldn’t end….end. I don’t think they were supposed to end…..I think our brains have difficulty dealing with the friction between what is reality in this fallen world and what we were made for. A subconscious internal argument ensues. A schism. It’s true of course, we can also easily get stuck in the grief process grieving a more expected kind of loss. We certainly can have that internal argument even with an expected loss. What I am wanting to honor and give voice to is the very painful confusion around the loss of a relationship, perhaps it’s a friend or family member after there has been an impasse, a betrayal, or a misunderstanding has blown up the relationship. Or a husband and wife go through a non-amicable divorce, perhaps their kids are now estranged from one of their parents as a result. Siblings, once close, now estranged-no longer talking or part of each other’s lives. Friends and loved ones, walking the earth but no longer in relationship. Connection broken. Maybe living in the same town, but out of reach. It simply shouldn’t be, and yet…is. Reconciling that reality in our minds, coming to a place of thought resolution, starts with us telling the whole truth about the situation, feeling the feelings, and grieving the grief. Having a conversation with a trusted confidant, counselor, pastor or coach-someone who will hold that sacred space for you as you process the loss can be so healing. Speaking out loud the truth can help your brain with the process of knowing and accepting it, allowing you to move forward.
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