Is it a sign of weakness to forgive?
I’ve often heard people say they thought that it was. My response? An emphatic and enthusiastic, ‘no!’ It absolutely isn’t a sign of weakness to forgive (or confess your failures for that matter)! Contrary! It takes tremendous faith, strength and courage to confess (own your stuff) and forgive, likely meaning being willing, standing ready to have relationship with the person who previously hurt you once they have repented. Not always is it appropriate to enter back into relationship with the person who has hurt you…..that person may not be a safe person. Can you still forgive the person with whom you need to have a strong boundary of non-relationship for safety reasons? Yes. Think of it as a 2-step process. First, being willing to forgive, having an attitude of forgiveness (not dwelling on the offense or talking about it with others). Second, following through with reconciliation to the offender once they have repented. Sometimes it is right to show mercy to the person who offended you and you actually bear some of the consequences of their sin, overlooking it, (that’s tough to do-and sometimes the right thing to do, especially when we consider the mercy we’ve been shown), other times when there is a pattern of sin, the offender may need to bear some consequences. All of this takes strength.
Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker, refers to the Four Promises of Forgiveness and speaks of thinking of it as a 2-step process. The first promise is to not dwell on the person’s offense/sin against you. This you can choose to do even before the person has repented. It’s the attitude or posture of forgiveness I mention above. The next three happen after the person has repented and relationship is being restored. The second is never to bring up that sin and use it against them. Third, promising not to talk about it with others. And finally the fourth-not to let the sin stand between you and the offender or hinder your relationship. So, when you look at those, it is clear that forgiveness isn’t easy and certainly isn’t a sign of weakness. Of course, there are times when the consequences of a person’s sin against you warrants a degree of separation because of safety. Again, you promise not to bring up that sin again and use it against the person. But what happens when the person has repented and then does the same thing again and again-there is this sin pattern in their life. In that case, you may need to point out, with kindness, patience and a spirit of humility what you are seeing, to gently restore them for their good, not impatiently and unkindly with anger, impatience, or a spirit of judgement to tear them down or put them in their place. We need to draw on God’s strength and Holy Spirit to do this. For instance, you may realize a person has lied to you-but it was a ‘minor’ lie, so you choose to overlook it. Then it happens again…lie upon lie. You realize you need to address the issue. You can have an attitude of forgiveness (not dwelling on it and being willing to forgive), and the person confesses and repents. But he or she lies again….at this point, there is a pattern and you may need to bring it up again with humility to restore the relationship. There may need to be consequences-you can’t trust someone who chronically lies, so there may be a degree of intimacy lost in that relationship. Of course, there are a myriad of hypothetical situations and scenarios, each which will need to be dealt with uniquely, and lovingly. It isn’t unloving to have consequences-consequences can absolutely be a very loving and required impetus for the person to make changes in their behavior. It isn’t weak to forgive, confess or ask for forgiveness…..it models humility which is anything but weakness. A wonderful resource is Ken Sande’s book The Peacemaker Amazon.com: The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Audible Audio Edition): Ken Sande, Ken Sande, christianaudio.com: Audible Books & Originals