Shaking our fist, demanding our ‘rights’ and focusing on what isn’t fair in our marriages never ends well….and it’s an easy trap to fall into. It can happen to any of us and certainly at one time or another has happened to most of us. I personally am guilty as charged. We might bemoan tearfully to a close confident, ‘I deserve…..’ any number of things that we aren’t getting. Hopefully we don’t camp there long or let that rumination become habitual, it will destroy our relationships because it isn’t unifying, it’s divisive, myopic and places responsibility for our happiness in someone else’s hands. Instead of being solution oriented we are problem oriented when we are in that place. Instead of looking at what we may have contributed to our desires not being met, we focus solely on and blame our spouse for our perceived lack. Instead of focusing on the good that our spouse brings to our life together, we focus on the deficits and little minor niggly things. Often the weakness in our spouse is actually unbalanced strength, but that of course, goes unnoticed, not recognized and uncelebrated. Who do you become/how do you feel when you focus on your spouse’s shortcomings? No, really. Grab a pen and paper. Write down how you feel and more importantly, how you interact with him/her/the world when you focus on how him/her/the world at large has disappointed you. It’s great exercise. Then grab a mirror and a Kleenex. Do you operate in productive, helpful, generous, life building, others-serving ways when you focus on all that ‘isn’t’ right with your spouse/world? I would argue the opposite might be more accurate. What do we usually do when focusing on how our spouses aren’t meeting our felt-needs? It’s not unheard of or uncommon to withdraw, withholding love in one form or another. We play tit-for-tat. We refuse to do what we could and should because we are holding a grudge, trying to teach a lesson or simply want revenge.
For example, you might have a driven, Type A personality with a desire for everything in order, clean, neat, tidy and humming along on schedule. This is a great strength-when in balance with being able to regulate yourself, not melting down, able to be flexible when life gets lifey (thank you Dani for that word); however when we are wired to be very orderly, on-time and scheduled-that orderliness and timeliness can become a place (a heart idol) where we get cranky if things aren’t clicking along and the house doesn’t look like Martha Stewart and her crew breezed through. Opposites tend to attract. (I plan to ask God about His sense of humor with this design someday). There is a reason that saying came into existence-it’s real. Your spouse on the other hand may be the quintessential ‘go with the flow’ guy. He doesn’t get wrapped around the axle when the edges of the pillowcase get frayed, one bowl or plate of your dinner set of gets chipped and you’re 5 minutes late for an event. This can be such a great strength and calming presence for the potentially rigid, Type A personality. It can also drive the Type A, a little bit nuts if he is a little too laid back and doesn’t attempt to help keep order and timeliness, considering his spouse’s desires. Either strength can be a weakness when love is X’d out of the picture.
So…whaddya do?
Step 1 Remember why you married him or her in the first place. You were probably attracted to that counter-strength in the first place. Maybe on a subconscious level you realized you needed a little of that fun, Hawaiian-chill-vibe in your life. Remember and appreciate your spouse’s strengths, not only internalize it-verbalize it! It never hurts to show genuine appreciation, respect and admiration-especially when they don’t expect it, it can be just that needed wind under their wings. It will help get you out of fight/freeze/flight or bitterness-mode in your brain and get you more into problem-solving, forward-moving mode. Take some time to really concentrate on all the great attributes of him/her. This won’t hurt anything! While remembering all the good attributes of your spouse, it doesn’t hurt to, at the same time, take time to remember and realize, they are probably doing the best they can with the tools in their toolbox. They may be ‘sinning against you’-but we impart more empathy and grace when we consider that usually people do what they do for a reason and oftentimes, even though possibly thoughtless or hurtful, it isn’t with malicious intent they are somehow ‘missing it’ in the marriage. While considering all those things-don’t forget that you miss it too. We all fail one another, not one of us is exempt.
We will explore Step 2 in Part 2.
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