Oh the myriad ways we fail to love.
Again-sneaky. So often, I think we think of the ‘aggressive’ personality in conflict as the ‘bad guy’ and the ‘passive’ personality as the person ‘walking with the shiny halo’ on top. But is that true?
My heart is presently hurting for all the people within my circle who are hurting from conflict. It raises its ugly head in every circle of our lives. Whether it be within a marriage, parent-child, adult sibling relationships, within the church social circle, adult parent-child, or at the workplace, wherever two or more are gathered, there will be conflict. And if I can be frank-we have such a messed up way of looking at it and dealing with it, whether in the church or outside of the church.
At the workplace we go to coworkers to ‘consult’ with them about that other coworker who tends to make trouble. We tiptoe in our marriages when our spouse is not being the best example to our kids that we want them to be, but ya know, there’s that addiction he or she is trying to kick so-well, we will just keep walking on egg shells so that we don’t upset the apple cart. Our ‘tween’ child is behaving badly, (no-I mean BADLY) with temper tantrums and chaotic disruption while our internal pendulum swings from us mistakenly letting mildly bad behavior pass, that we should address but don’t (passive), to us losing a grip and disciplining or yelling without self-control and restraint. Then the guilt seeps in and we allow more of our child’s bad behavior to go unchecked because we feel so bad for our last outburst, having disciplined in unrestrained anger. Meanwhile our child loses respect for us, observing our own lack of self-control (they desperately need steady love, steady loving discipline and guidance). It’s so easy for us to let fear of what could happen to them hijack our peace, and we react to that fear. It’s the crazy train.
God has, as it turns out, a lot to say about conflict in His Word. And ya know what? His ways are higher than our ways as the heavens are above the earth, (Isaiah 55:9) What He says is sin, doesn’t look like sin to us. We think ‘consulting’ with coworkers about the problem-coworker isn’t gossip when truly it is, if that person (or people) we are talking to isn’t directly a part of the solution. We are called to talk directly to the person whose needs to be gently restored, speaking the truth in love, ‘keeping the matter just between the two of you’, (Matthew 18:15) only bringing in another to confront the behavior if going directly to that person fails, but that can feel scary, so often we don’t do that. Instead, we go talk to everyone else instead of the one giving us grief. But we aren’t called to talk to and commiserate about that person with others. It’s one thing when we don’t know how to handle a situation to get counsel from a person who you respect for their wisdom and maturity, to help you think about the situation wisely, who will keep the matter confidential. That counselor/coach also helps you bring the mirror up and look at your own part in the conflict. (Because ya know, it DOES take two to tango-whether our own sin in the conflict is obvious to us or not-again, there is that sneaky passivity stuff).
We are called to love and sadly we distort what love is. Love isn’t passivity. Love isn’t ‘nice’. Love also isn’t mean, aggressive or shaming. Love is speaking the truth in love. Love is patient. Love is steady. Love isn’t taking the bait when our buttons are being pushed. Love isn’t rejecting the person, love does reject bad behavior-while loving the person. Love required faith and courage. Love isn’t easy, but love wins.
A great reference and study for navigating conflict and biblical reconciliation is The Peacemaker by Ken Sande.
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