Marriage is so not just a moment. The process of meeting The One, courting-sometimes for years culminating in The Event, whether that be an elopement or vows spoken before family and friends, God. Then what? Just like fine wine gets better with age, so can marriage. Did you catch that? I said ‘can’. It’s certainly not a given. I’ve seen amazing marriages 50 years past ‘I do’ and I have seen people just tolerating each other for the sake of a commitment or stability, but not love.
So what makes the difference between just tolerating one another for a lifetime and really loving one another for a lifetime? I would say commitment. But commitment to what? I think commitment to staying together will get you the marriage that might cross the finish line tolerating one another but sorely lacking love. Commitment to love? Well now, that is a different story all together. Because anyone who has been married more than 2 weeks realizes that we are faced with choosing to love our spouse when we don’t feel like it. And there will be plenty of ‘not-feel-like-its’!
I would say a healthy amount of stubborn. Say what?!? Yes. You need to out-stubborn yourself. Stubbornly not give up-there will be days when giving up will appeal. (It’s a lie-but appealing it will seem).
Creativity. It takes creative thinking to get out of the rut the marriage can take. Get creative in how you approach inevitable conflict. Don’t do the same thing again and again hoping for a different result to the same old fight. Get creative in the way you communicate. In last week’s post, Fencing Conflict – mustard seed coaching and mediation , I talked about putting a fence around conflict. If you tend to go rounds for hours caught in a cycle of conflict, or find yourselves constantly in conflict throughout the week click this link read up on fencing your conflict.
Connection. Experts say that you should make a minimum of 15 minutes each day to talk, face to face-no distractions: no kids, no electronic devices, tv. A regular non-negotiable date night (at least once a month-my pastor has a regular date night with his wife each week-swears by it)-this takes intentional planning and calendar blocking-do it!
Fence the cell phones and have face to face communication/keep it light. Date night isn’t time to deal with your conflict. It’s date night. Fence your conflict, see link above. Date night doesn’t have to break the bank. If you have kids and the cost of hiring a sitter makes you want to bail on the date night idea, consider having family sit with them for a couple hours, or if you have friends with kids, see if you can create a kid sitting co-op where you regularly trade and take their kids so they can get away as well. Date night is all about quality time together-it doesn’t have to be dinner and a movie. A walk in a park, picnic, a drive, a hike…..so many options that are affordable to connect.
Compliment. Big or little-compliments and gratitude expressed make a difference in the tone of your marriage. Meditate on the good they bring to the relationship, what you admire-always assign positive intention to their behavior. Usually, even when our spouses mess up, they usually don’t have malicious intention. They might not ‘get’ how their behavior is effecting us, or they may be driven by fear, but they usually aren’t purposefully inflicting pain.
Consider. Realize your spouse has needs for connection, for space, for stability, for change, for respect and growth. Consider what they may be needing, (what you would desire if you were in their shoes) and try to help facilitate that for them. Make it easy for them to get away for a run or a hike-guilt free, realizing their need for some fresh air and brain time if that is what feeds them. We all pursue these driving desires in either a healthy way or unhealthy. Encourage healthy fulfillment. If your spouse needs connection and respect be the one he or she wants to connect with because you show them consistent respect.
Make sense? Nothing in my life has been so worth all the ups and downs, investment, personal growth.
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