We are well into wedding season. Love seemingly is in the air. Is it just me or does it seem like all the hitchables are getting’ hitched this year? Some years we might attend one or two weddings, other years zero weddings. This year there’s a bumper crop in our social circle! I have at least 3, maybe 4 on the books. Whew! I know of one MOB who has 3 daughters getting married in the span of 7 months. God be with her, send her strength, wisdom, sanity and finances!
From a pre-marital view point it is incomprehensible that marriage will present us with challenges that can seem so insurmountable so quickly……for some it takes 6 -12 months, maybe after the birth of their first child. For others this reality is in their face in just a couple of weeks if not days. I’ve heard of nightmare honeymoons. I’ve had the newly minted couple a few weeks post-nuptials-exchange in my office, in tears-overwhelmed and feeling hopeless, like they are staring at a life-sentence rather than embarking on what can be the most amazing journey of a lifetime. It can feel like a hopeless jam not knowing that there is help, but there are tools and there is hope. Just like we don’t know what we don’t know when it comes to the trials we will face, there are solutions to bridge the gap.
I spoke with a mother-of-the-bride recently who shared with me what she experienced after she got married, she described feelings of drowning after marriage. No life-preserver. I know I felt completely unprepared after the fact when it came to conflict resolution-all of a sudden everything felt sideways. We were presented with challenges we didn’t have prior to marriage and didn’t predict. Challenges like, how we each spent money and expectations for how we would spend money. Having both entities of the newly minted ‘team’ understand that their choices for better or for worse would impact not only themselves, but their partner. How is it that couples have a cognitive dissonance when it comes to this undeniable fact? From whether they choose to hang their towel up after they shower, to picking up their undies from the bathroom floor, clothes from the bedroom floor when they get done dressing, to choosing to help do dishes or clean….all the things that impact the other person’s time, space and finances needs to be considered. What we choose to look at on the internet (or not!)-things that impact trust and intimacy need to be considered. Unfortunately, many couples don’t take the time to talk about all the post-nuptial adjustments and expectations because they simply don’t know what they don’t know or have expectations taking for granted how things will operate. Oftentimes they don’t know what will be a challenge or contention until it presents itself.
Sadly, for years, without the skills to have a conversation about my disappointments because of baggage I was dragging into marriage, married to a spouse that quickly got frustrated with even the slightest hint of a suggestion given by me because of all the luggage he was carrying too, I stuffed my desires and tried to bury my frustrations. I’m certain they had to have oozed out sideways, they couldn’t not have. It wasn’t until I had ‘had it’ or…. as my brother likes to say it, ‘my cheese slid off my cracker’, I erupted. I stuffed it for years and then in an instant, I lost it. In that moment, having a fairly strong capacity for self-control, I wasn’t as cruel as I could have been, however I was piqued and my communication wasn’t as loving as in hindsight I would have liked it to have been.
Learning the art of having real, honest, transparent, loving communication about desires and expectations with a true desire to serve one another is key to a great marriage. Learning to negotiate, empathize-put yourself in your partner’s shoes before you make a request or give constructive feedback is essential. It’s good to overlook an offense-if you can truly overlook it, forgive it and choose to let it go without resentment, not letting it come between the two of you, but if you can’t-it’s essential to learn how to have the hard conversation. Better to have a little healthy conflict with a relationship based on truth and trust than to fake it for 40, 50 or 60 years. Get rid of that darn pink elephant.
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Click here to check out my Christian Marriage Troubleshooting 6 Week Course for all kinds of tools to think differently and navigate the relationship challenges that come with marriage: Christian Marriage Trouble-Shooting 6 Week Course | Mustard Seed (teachable.com)