I recently had a conversation with a spouse who had been venting/processing her frustration in her marriage with others. Having found myself in this difficult situation myself earlier on in my own marriage (and making unwise choices myself in who I shared with), we talked about the need to keep the details of conflict between us and our spouses (or us and anyone else we have conflict with for that matter)-between ourselves and the other person we are having conflict with. “Just between the two of you.” The bible, actually Jesus himself, speaks to this in Matthew 18:15 NLT. Why does He tell us this? Because He is wise beyond what we can comprehend; he knows what’s best for us and our relationships and He knows how we need guidance-because our default is usually to do the thing that comes naturally, not supernaturally. But what happens when you can’t seem to reach resolution in the conflict with your spouse? What are the next steps?
We really want to be strategic about who we confide to when we are having marital conflict (or really conflict with anyone). We don’t want to gossip about our spouses-it will create distrust in the relationship at a minimum, or worse cause terrible destruction. So who do you talk to?
You really want to seek counsel from a wise friend, pastor, counselor or coach. One wise friend-not a group of friends where your ‘prayer request’, for instance, becomes gossip. I have a wise friend, a fellow believer, who is older than me who has been a wonderful advisor to me. You want someone who isn’t just going to ‘be on your side’ and tickle your ears with what you want to hear but give you honest feedback from a place of neutrality. To find a friend like that is truly a rare gift. Many of us don’t have friends like that.
Likely, as with all conflict, it takes two to tango. So, if you are having conflict, you really need to see how you are participating in the conflict or reacting in a way that might be adding fuel to the fire. If hypothetically you are only adding 20% to the fight, you still need to focus on cleaning up your 20%. Changing how you respond in the conflict, even the 20%, will change the dynamic of the conflict. You need someone in the ring with and for both of you, not just someone in your corner. You need someone who is absolutely FOR your relationship, someone who is pro both-of-you.
Where do we often turn? For us women, we often turn to a girlfriend or family member, whether that be a parent, sibling or child, all less than awesome choices. It is so incredibly rare that a family member has the relational wisdom/health to be an objective, neutral ear who will, in love, call you out on what you might need correction on. Because family members are so close to you and instinctively want to protect you or their relationship with you, there is often enmeshment that kills the necessary level of objectivity needed for effective counsel. There is often a need in the other person to be liked, loved, or closely connected so, instead of feeding you wisdom, they will, in fear, tell you what they think you want to hear.
In the case of confiding to your kids, it’s another level of complication where I see two destructive scenarios. One in that there is a power imbalance as, your kids look to you for stability and support-so they have, by and large an inability to give mature, wise advice because their advise is inherently going to be compromised. More importantly, by sharing intimate, private details of how their other parent has hurt or offended you, it will diminish their view of the other parent, undermining them, resulting in them having a lack of respect for your spouse, which will cause further division in your relationship by putting the kids in the middle of the conflict.
Click https://www.schedulicity.com/scheduling/MSCHY4 to book a No-Fee Initial Consult to start working through the kinks to live your best life now!
Click here to check out my Christian Marriage Troubleshooting 6 Week Course for all kinds of tools to think differently and navigate the relationship challenges that come with marriage: Christian Marriage Trouble-Shooting 6 Week Course | Mustard Seed (teachable.com)