I hear it all the time, am even guilty of it sometimes myself-though I don’t want to admit it and hopefully I do it less and less having knowledge that it is destructive and not entirely accurate and reliable at best, toxic and sinful at worst. Ultimately it can devastate relationships, families, marriages. In-laws become out-laws as a result, putting strain on everyone in between. I grew up doing it as I saw it done and didn’t question it. I thought it was just the way the world worked and was supposed to work. It didn’t occur to me to question it. It’s simply what people do. What is this thing I am referencing that is so bad? Thinking I can know what is going on in the heart of another-knowing their heart motivation for anything they do and/or assuming that I know what they are thinking…..from there I/we judge and from there, with all that supposed ‘knowledge’ I/we act. We relate differently to those around us that we assume and assign heart motive. I can’t even tell you how many times I have been wrong having committed ‘assumicide’. I wish I had a dollar for every time I assumed another’s heart motive, or what they were thinking. Worse is assigning negative heart motivation to another’s actions. I am of the firm belief that most people actually are doing the best they can with the tools in their toolboxes and if they knew better (and I mean knew from a God perspective, possessing true wisdom and understanding) they would do better, I regret that I didn’t always hold that gracious view.
On the cross, Jesus prayed, “ Forgive them Father, for they do not know what they are doing.” Let’s think about that. The Roman soldiers were experts in torture and death. They on one level knew exactly what they were doing. They were crucifying Jesus. He would die as a result of their actions a torturous death. They knew He was no longer among the living when He took His last breath, after spilling blood and water from his side. But wait a minute, hold the phone, stop the train….. what did He mean when He said, “….they do not know what they are doing?” Was Jesus wrong in saying that? How dare I even ask that question. Jesus wasn’t wrong about anything He spoke, He spoke absolute truth-always, all the time. So if He wasn’t wrong about it what could He have possibly meant when He spoke it?
He was referencing their lack of big picture, divine understanding. They simply didn’t get it. They didn’t grasp the magnitude of Who they were crucifying and what they were committing at a spiritual level.
What about others in our lives? Do you think that everyone gets, on a spiritual level the magnitude of their sin against us? Do you even grasp the magnitude of the sin you commit against God and others? Who are we to sit in judgment of others? Who are we to assume we know what another is thinking? Dr. Daniel Amen, a seasoned neuro-psychiatrist in his field for more than 30 years himself says he can’t even know what another person is thinking-and he works with people’s brains, thoughts and minds on a daily basis, he’s an expert! We simply can’t know. We might guess and guess right occasionally but what if we get it wrong-convinced we are right-and torpedo a relationship? Further, who do you or I become when we assign negative heart intention? When we assume someone is acting out of malice towards us, we usually re-act in malice towards them. At a minimum we either withdraw and withhold love-silent treatment them, or alternatively we react with aggression, sometimes a little of both. Flipping it around, who would you be if you chose to apply what Jesus said to the Father about those who were crucifying Him? ‘Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do.’? ‘……and help me to forgive them too!’
Our approach, communication, and interactions with those around us who have hurt us could be more gracious. It doesn’t make their wrong right. And I am not suggesting that there be no standards or consequences for serious violations of boundaries, laws, etc……but a gracious approach, standing next to the person knowing that we ourselves fall short as well will more likely build bridges between two people where hurt has occurred. With a gracious curious approach, understanding that we might not know the whole behind the story story, opens us up to a greater understanding of those around us. It’s not always black and white. We may have jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Best practice-slow to anger, quick to forgive. Don’t get furious, get curious and watch your world change. In fact…..how about being a change agent in this world of hyper-reflexive, hyper-reactive, hyper-angry responses? Swim upstream. It’s not a bad thing to be counter-cultural, swimming upstream these days and choose a grace response. Join me. Let’s be weirdos!
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