Christmas and New Year’s blew through like a freight train and here we are into the first week of the New Year. I hope all of your get-togethers were joyful and peace-filled. I promised Part 3 and here we are. Though-the holiday season is in the rearview mirror, there will always be holidays up-coming and opportunity for family get-togethers, birthdays, weddings, etc… In other words, opportunities for a good family fight, whether that be just a couple of siblings at odds or it turns out to look more like the Hatfields and the McCoys, we can do better. In Part 2
In this series Brutally Honest Part 2 – mustard seed coaching and mediation we talked about affirming the relationships, not ‘butting’ your sorry and nice landings.
Three more communication tips:
- Take a hike. Sometimes it’s good to go get some fresh air and some sunshine. Put yourself into a very positive ‘time out’. Going for a brisk walk and the cadence of the walk can get your brain into gear and give you an opportunity to pause, breathe and think, process and get creative with problem solving. Get some good endorphins going by getting out and getting some exercise.
Understand and be aware of when the conversation is not productive. Sometimes people say they want to discuss to understand, but in all actuality when the rubber hits the road, the truth is evident in their words or actions that they aren’t seeking resolution and understanding, they are seeking to stoke the fire, excuse or blame. This is the good time to politely and positively put yourself into a time out, not angrily, but with an upbeat attitude. That’s a positive, loving boundary you are putting on yourself so that you don’t do or say something that you will regret or stoop to being unloving.
- Watch your alcohol intake. Sometimes when we get tipsy (or beyond tipsy) our lips get loose and we say things that we normally wouldn’t say when all our faculties are about us. I have heard of family get-togethers that ended in shattered relationships because one person lost control and verbally attacked a family member, then parents got involved and it was a full blown fiasco. We alone are responsible for our intake and having a governor switch that operates. If your governor switch often malfunctions, have a mocktail instead of a cocktail. Also, if you have a family member or members that over-indulge alcohol and have loosened up to the point that they are being verbally destructive, find a way to extricate yourself from the situation. You won’t have a reasonable conversation with someone who is impaired and unreasonable. Kindly and with positivity remove yourself-tell them you can pick the conversation back up at a later time if it is even a conversation that needs to continue.
- Consistently and intentionally speak well of your spouse to your family in ***both in your spouse’s presence and absence. It’s a great way to send the message to your spouse s/he is secure heading to the in-laws, that you are one, solid and a team. This is important especially if you have had a close relationship with your family. It can feel threatening if your family hasn’t been completely warm and inclusive with your spouse. It also sends the signal to your family loud and clear of your solidarity with spouse. Not all families are supportive of their daughter or son-in-law, many in fact, can be extremely divisive and downright hateful. We are called to leave and cleave. I don’t believe this means for us to never spend time with our families but for our allegiance to be with our spouses and the new family we are creating with them. If you have a disagreement with your spouse-take care of it just between the two of you, behind closed doors, help them save face, have his or her back. Treat him or her as you would prefer to be treated if the tables were turned. This one concept alone is huge and can be a game changer in terms of family/extended family dynamics.
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