I was chatting with my friend, ‘Jill’ who just got back from an (what I would consider an extended) backpacking excursion with her husband, Tim and another couple. Sounds like it was a great trip-not just spectacular views, but great time bonding with friends. What I love about this friend is she and I don’t have fluffy weather reporting conversations-we chat about the deep stuff. She is always thinking deeply, placing a high value on character and justice. It always makes for lively conversation and draws me to ponder deep things with her.
She said that it was truly enjoyable to be with this other couple for the better part of two weeks-getting to watch them interact with each other during times that no doubt were challenging as they were miles from creature comforts-cooking out and sleeping in the deep wilderness not to mention probably hiking steep terrain, etc.
The joy for Jill and Tim in spending time with this other couple was how pleasant they were to be around. They consistently were devoted to taking care of each other, a solid team and as Jill said it, “They had each other’s backs’, and ‘It didn’t come off ever that serving each other was a burden, instead their attitudes were that of enthusiasm and privilege to take care of each other.” She said, she had a little envy in a good way and it was a model that she and Tim wanted to implement in their own marriage. She said, “I want to be that couple that people spend time with and realize what marriage can be-we want to be that couple that inspire others.”
She had insight that the sitcoms she grew up with often portrayed the woman being a ‘nag’ towards the man, ‘hen-pecking’ him…with the husband responding reactively, with an eyeroll and huff, trying to keep her off his back and him out of the dog house instead of serving the sitcom-wife driven proactively by love. She remarked about how it really influenced generations in terms of expectations of what attitudes in marriage should look like. It more or less set a toxic standard. I agreed wholeheartedly. And we wonder why the percentage rate for divorce is so high.
So what is the difference in the ‘power couple’ that people interact with that makes such an impression? I would argue that it all starts in the brain, how we think about our spouses. Do you cherish your spouse? How do you view your spouse? Do you think of your spouse as just one more person you ‘have to’ take care of? One more person that wants something from you? I’ve frequently seen memes suggesting that the husband is the ‘third’ kid, more of a burden. I remember as a young girl hearing the wife referred to as ‘the old ball and chain’. I challenge you to think how expressions like that may have influenced how you think of your spouse-if not all the time, at least part of the time. Do you think of your spouse as a blessing? Someone to be cherished. That it is your privilege to serve, help and cheer him or her on? Do you look at him or her as a teammate or as someone you don’t respect, rather someone to spar or compete with? I will confess that there have been times I’ve said to a friend that ‘I have to get dinner for my husband.’ We really do need to think about the impact of our words on our feelings. We feel what we think. I never ‘have to’ make dinner for my husband. I always have choice. It may sound like semantics, it’s anything but! Our words are powerful. There is a huge difference between ‘I have to’ vs. ‘I get to.’ I get to make dinner for my husband. I get to do things that serve him, care for him…..I don’t have to.
Practice yourself. Say, “I have to_________________________for my spouse.”
Now say, “I get to _____________(same thing) _____________for my spouse.”
See the difference? Our thoughts and words are powerful! Serving your spouses won’t be a burden if we look at serving them with an empowering attitude of gratitude and being grounded in the truth of – we do actually ‘get to’, we have the power of choice. Choosing to cherish each other intentionally is the model that will make other couples scratch their heads and experience something different when they are around you, something wonderful they want too.
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