Do you really know your spouse? Or……does your spouse really know you? Do you talk about deep things. Do you desire to be closer? Do you feel comfortable being vulnerable with your spouse across all subject lines, or are there things either or both of you avoid? Intimacy, knowing and being known, in all aspects of your being, grows in the fertile soil of grace. Without grace, we hide and therefore can’t be fully known or intimate with our spouses. Our relationship will have a superficiality to it.
Intimacy comes down to trust doesn’t it? You would ‘bare all’ wouldn’t you if you knew you were safe to? We hold back when we feel we will be judged. We tend to hide the things we feel insecure about. What if you and your spouse navigated your relationship from a place of pure acceptance, knowing that you each could trust that you had each other’s backs. That if he or she gave you feedback that kind of stung a little, it was actually coming from a place of love, with your best in mind. How much more transparent would you be if you knew that you would be forgiven when you mess up-when you make a selfish decision that will impact your spouse, if you knew that your beloved wasn’t going to hold it against you in a punitive or shaming way, (not to say that we don’t or shouldn’t have to deal with consequences that produce in us a positive change-that’s different than shame).
Before the fall, you know, when Adam and Eve consumed the fruit that was forbidden them, it is written that they were naked and unashamed in the garden. I would venture to say that most of us can’t fathom running around a garden, naked and unashamed. Before the fall-humanity didn’t hide. We didn’t have anything to hide. In grace, God clothed them. He clothed us. Grace. Later, in Jesus, He covered our sin.
If we chose to shower grace on each other, and deal with one another’s sin graciously, we would never feel the need to hide. Intimacy would be so deep, so rich. Vulnerability would abound. We would know one another so deeply. Shame wouldn’t taint our nakedness. I challenge you, be the safe, gracious spouse-go first.
What things do you hide from your spouse that would feel so free if you could just come clean on it?
- Secret addictions
- Secret spending
- Porn
- Inappropriate ‘friendships’ with the opposite sex
- Maybe it’s fear of sharing your true feelings because of past wounding but you react disproportionately to things he/she says-leaving him/her confused
- Maybe you’ve unilaterally made a risky investment he/she wouldn’t have approved
So many things we hide……
Fear of being shamed; fear of not being forgiven keeps many of us hiding the things that need to be brought into the light. Fear and hiding keep us from having true vulnerability that leads to true intimacy in our most important relationship. Fear and hiding also perpetuates the addictions.
Fear and hiding is perpetuated when there isn’t consistent graciously spoken truth poured out. Instead of shaming your spouse, speak life. ‘Honey, I forgive you-I get it. I struggle with things too. Maybe not the same things, but I struggle and need to be forgiven just like you. We all do.’ Or alternatively-go first when it comes to being vulnerable and truthful in every aspect of your being. Consistently model for him or her transparency-which will ultimately build trust over time, which walks hand in hand with true intimacy. Light overcomes darkness. James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”
Intimacy vs. loneliness. Deep connection vs. isolation. Running toward instead of running away. Healing your relationship of the fractures in your union, authentic oneness is the blessing accompanying coming clean, shedding light, forgiving as you would desire to be forgiven and being honest in areas that shake you to your core, knowing you can and at the end of the day, even if your spouse has been wounded by your choices and may not agree with them-he or she still loves you, and you have nothing to hide. Consistently be the safe person to confess to; by doing so-you model how you would want to be treated when it is your turn to be vulnerable and in need of forgiveness.
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