Relationships can be so……confusing. How do you reconcile if there has been a massive breach in your relationship, whether that be a friendship, long lost family member, separation in marriage, etc. I’m not talking a smaller, less significant breach like forgetting to pick up something like mustard when grocery shopping or forgetting your birthday, though that may be off-putting, we all mess up…that is what grace is for. I’m talking a breach like, lying, manipulation, unfaithfulness, undermining you, theft, continually disrespecting your, ‘no’.….bigger breaches.
Can you forgive but not have as close a relationship because that person hasn’t truly shown signs of tangible change? I believe you can. I believe that is called a boundary. Sometimes we have to have a boundary because we observe a disconnect between what is said and actual behavior in the person claiming to seek relationship. We are to guard our hearts. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Does that mean I protect my heart or guard my heart so that when provoked by others, I don’t succumb to reacting out of my own sin nature? I think so.
Forgiveness is different than being a doormat. I often hear clients say that they won’t forgive because they see forgiveness as weakness or signing up for more abuse. I disagree. God isn’t calling us to be doormats. A doormat is boundaryless. A doormat, by virtue of not having boundaries is a person who is on par for being taken advantage of, or receiving more maltreatment. You can forgive (stop drinking the poison of unforgiveness and bitterness expecting the other to suffer) AND have boundaries. You can be kind and loving, but have a firm fence around your time, talent, and heart. If pressed for that boundary to come down-then you must consider if this person is a person that is trustworthy or whether they are just going through the motions to get what they want. Does this person meet my requirements for a relationship? Is there fruit in their life that speaks of the fruit of the Spirit? If yes then you should be seeing things like love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. If however there is a disconnect between the person saying that they, ‘love you or want relationship with you all the while demonstrating dishonesty, are being demanding-impatient, rude, controlling, speaking unkind words….demanding your forgiveness, demanding your ‘trust’ and threatening the relationship if you maintain your boundary, perhaps then, that person might not ‘get it’. You might need a longer ‘time out’ for your own peace, safety, well-being.
Alternatively, a person who ‘gets it’ says things like….”I get that what I did, (x,y,z) was wrong and breached the closeness and trust we shared. I am so sorry. I will do whatever I have to and accept whatever consequences for as long as it takes for you to feel safe with me again. Please share with me when you are ready, how I can make this right.” …….and then follows through with what you request, actions that follow their words.
A loving boundary isn’t spewed out of bitterness and doesn’t try to inflict shame or guilt. A loving boundary is spoken with self-control. A loving boundary might sound something like, “I am not creating distance between us to punish you, shame you and isn’t being done with a mean spirit. Don’t hear what I am not saying. I still love you! I am simply placing this boundary to protect my heart from this behavior which hurts me.” Speaking from experience-I have used this phraseology and I have experienced positive results. Not only did the person change their behavior, but they were lifted and encouraged. We teach people how to treat us. Model loving, self-control and you just might see that caught by the other person. Meanwhile, you will sleep at night because you didn’t take the bait. You maintained self-control and showed love and kindness. It isn’t loving to yourself or others to allow them to mistreat you. They learn that it’s ok to be a bully, and you aren’t showing yourself respect and kindness.
In my Troubleshooting Christian Marriage course, I have an entire lesson on Boundaries with a study guide-you can check it out @ Christian Marriage Trouble-Shooting 6 Week Course | Mustard Seed (teachable.com)
In part 2, next week we will talk about the forgiveness piece of the puzzle.