It sure can be tough navigating the care and support of elderly people/parents who have worked hard all their lives. People who were adults at very young ages-who embraced ‘adulting’ as young as 14 or in high school because it was largely expected in their generation’s culture. People who fought the Korean war, who served our country, who raised their kids, paid their bills, asked no one for anything and have been independent and capable for multiple decades. And….who don’t.want.your.help. Maybe because of what that ‘help’ means in their minds, what it represents. Maybe they have shame around needing ‘help’. Not that they should, because ultimately, we all need help sooner or later-especially if we have the privilege of living a long life. Maybe admitting need of help to them means, ‘I have lost my ability’, or, ‘I am failing at doing the things that once I had perfect ability to do’. Perhaps ‘help’ signifies loss of independence or the impending loss of independence…..’just one step closer to the keys being taken away’, and, ‘then I can’t drive-I’m stuck at home and at the mercy of someone to take me where I want to go’, or ‘I will have to impose on someone else to get me there’.
It is an important thing to consider and be sensitive to when trying to offer the aged assistance. I can be a ‘dog on a bone’ kind of person. Give me a mission and that mission will be accomplished. I can field 30 calls in the span of 45 minutes to coordinate multiple agencies to come together to support a patient/client. If I see a need in a home, I will take it on and ‘just do it’. If I see something needs to be cleaned or dusted-I am happy to take care of it. I confess I can get a little juiced in seeing transformation-filth to sparkle is my jam. I feel such a sense of accomplishment. I can actually feel compelled to take care of it-and that is where I can actually ‘miss it’ in terms of being sensitive to what that may represent to the person receiving what I would perceive to be a blessing. I can be a bull in a china shop of the person’s heart I may be serving-not considering that the blessing I intend to bestow may not be welcome, because I am only considering my thought process and my joy in serving.
I think an important thing to consider is …..is this perceived ‘need’ going to represent a danger to the person we see as having this need if we don’t take care of it? Is a little dust going to kill anybody? Likely not, and if they are really opposed to your help, I think that needs to be respected. Does mowing the lawn represent decreasing a wildfire danger or make the place look more inhabited? If yes, then maybe navigating that with a little more firmness needs to happen. Is the loved one not safe or stable on a riding lawnmower? It might be time to have that conversation and spell out the implications of what an accident could mean….and others who would be impacted if they were hurt, like the care of their spouse if they are an aged caretaker themselves.
This week, I was a bull in the china shop. I saw a need, had a unique set of abilities, the time to get them done and I just took care of it, with a happy heart and all good intentions. I failed to communicate directly to the person who would be impacted by my efforts, assuming that piece of the puzzle had been worked through. As a result, the person I was was trying to serve felt a complete loss of control, like things were moving ‘too fast’. Did I pull it over the finish line? You bet. Did I ensure everything would be taken care of for that person’s safety? Indeed. But I missed it. I missed that person’s need to be included and communicated with. When that became glaringly apparent, I needed to go humble myself and apologize-owning it completely, no excuses. No pointing of fingers anywhere else. I should have communicated better. By the grace of God, I saw, connected with and empathized with how that person must have been feeling, and apologized for missing it. Grace was extended and after a bit, I was forgiven. Everyone is back on track. I think, in having owned my lack of sensitivity and poor communication, that person might just trust me a little more. I hope in sharing my fail, others who are wired like me, will consider that just because we might be doing the right thing with the right heart motive, doesn’t necessarily mean we have considered all aspects of the task we may be accomplishing-the receiver’s heart.