I read a lot and not as much as I would like to. I wish I had the bandwidth in terms of time and space in my 24 hour day (and grey matter between my ears) to hold more. I am fascinated by other’s takes on relationships, what they have gleaned and what love looks like ‘at street level’ as author and pastor Paul David Tripp says. I recently read a book by John and Julie Gottman, The Love Prescription and they talked about acknowledging our spouse’s ‘bid for connection’ by turning ‘toward’ your spouse when that bid for connection is put out there, as one of the things that couples who have great marriages do. But before we acknowledge, we first have to hear, and more than hear we need to actively listen to and for our spouses.
When a baby cries, he or she cries out for help. “Please, please, I need food-my tummy is empty. “ “Please, please, I have a dirty diaper and need to be changed.” “Please, please, I need connection, I want attention, I want to be held and loved.” Love calls us to listen and move, take action. We hopefully wouldn’t think of not answering the cry that the baby makes for their essential needs to be met. (Yes, at some point, we need to help them learn to self-soothe but that isn’t where I am going with this post.) In their earliest days, before we are helping them learn to self-soothe, they cry out and we answer whether we are exhausted and have needs of our own or not. I’m talking about listening that is a bid for us to take action as an act of love.
When our spouses make a bid for connection-in a way they are ‘crying out’ for connection. What might that look like? Maybe it’s a spoken, ‘I love you.’ Maybe it’s your husband coming up behind you while you are doing dishes and nuzzling your neck. Maybe it’s as simple as your spouse looking at you-a wordless bid. In an interview on Focus on the Family, Brant Hansen, author of The Men We Need, talks about even the slightest hesitation, the slightest withholding in responding your spouse saying, “I love you” can be devastating.
I remember early on in marriage-my husband making that bid for connection and getting all flirty while I was doing dishes. Me barefoot in the kitchen, doing dishes must have been a turn on I guess. I remember just wanting to get the dishes done and the kitchen cleaned up-so I could maybe relax before doing it all over again the next day, being bone tired. I remember feeling like he was inconveniencing me. How awful is that to admit? I shut down his bid for connection. I remember saying to him, “Tony Robbins says that, ‘we are either helping or hurting in everything we do’, and right now you are not helping.” Yes, I said it with a little playfulness, but at the same time, I wasn’t answering that bid for connection. I could have been playful and throw some bubbles at him, pinched his butt or turned around and given him a kiss he wouldn’t forget. We shoot down our spouses enough and they quit making that bid for connection eventually. No one likes to be rejected. I, of course, not getting it, not understanding, not ‘listening’ to that bid for connection had no idea I was rejecting him because I was so focused on getting all my tasks done.
Advice: listen for the many myriad ways your spouse makes that bid for connection. It may be the raised eyebrows, it may be physical touch, it may be an indirect question/comment….it may be them lamenting at the sink they are tired while doing dishes. Jump in and help. It may come in as a suggestion that you do something together (an indirection question by making a suggestion). Listen for the bid and turn towards your spouse. Even if you can’t drop everything in the moment, you can still let them know you ‘hear’ them and looking at them, acknowledge their bid. “I would love to but, my feet at in the fire at the moment. Can we connect later and visit about this, I do want to hear what you have to say.” Let them know you want to connect.
Turn towards the bid….answer the cry.
Click this link to find out about my 6 Week Marriage Troubleshooting Course: Christian Marriage Trouble-Shooting 6 Week Course | Mustard Seed (teachable.com)