“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Galatians 5:22-23 (emphasis mine)
Today we are going to pick on forbearance.
Ephesians 4:2 “ Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
I have heard it said that when we live in fear, or let fear control us, we forsake or withhold love. And because I can’t seem to turn my brain off, I am always pondering things I’ve heard-turning them over in my mind, always asking myself and God, is that true? Testing theory-it’s what I do. I have had the privilege of having a first hand view into other’s lives, peering in to see how they interact with each other. Pressing to understand the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’. And of course, I live daily mine and my spouse’s dysfunction; I get to observe and wade through plenty of daily muck in my own life. We get provoked, triggered-but when we are triggered, what is actually going on for us underneath that trigger? What surface emotion is expressed? Often, we react in anger. So often we act out that surface emotion du jour, not realizing that really we are deep down, afraid. Afraid of our ego being attacked. Afraid of loss of some sort. Someone’s affection being withheld. Fear our kids will be in a preventable accident, we lash out when they disobey. We hold back love with doubt that our investment of time, energy, affection won’t be reciprocated, so instead of being ‘all in’, instead of agape-ing, instead of charging the hill so to speak, we play small. We love with condition. We fail to bear with one another. We are impatient. If there isn’t perfection, if there is a lack of security, assurance-we can bolt, withdraw, become demanding and impatient. I would argue that most of us grew up with a sense of ‘conditional’ love. Perform well and you received your parents’ affection. Blow it and you receive a form of their wrath-whether that was a mom masterful at the silent treatment or a dad who disciplined out of anger-shaming instead of patiently having a conversation, delivering loving consequences. So often our parents were modeling what had been modeled to them-and the dysfunction is handed down and delivered generation to generation-everyone doing the best they could as far as they understood, not questioning what’s beneath their behavior or if it is even an unloving, dysfunctional approach, if they could do better, if they were missing the mark. Not understanding they were afraid that if they didn’t ‘control us’ we would turn out to be walking, breathing dumpster fires.
My husband and I just watched Jesus Revolution https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=07eXfF6Zw44
this past week (twice actually it was so awesome-we went a second time and brought a guest). There are a couple of scenes in the movie where the parents are reacting to their kids out of complete fear. Fear their kids were going off the deep end and entering the drug culture-interacting with them not from a place of patient conversation, connection and curiosity (relationship-building) but from a place of judgment-100% fear and an attempt to control. Do I have an understanding for that gut reaction? 100%. Acting out of fear is a natural, human reaction, but it doesn’t make it right. What do we do? We grow up and we then carry out what was modeled before us. Only, not only do we parent as our parents parented us, but we also tend to interact with our spouses and others in similar form. Reacting out of fear. Impatiently withholding love, demanding performance or leaving when we fear being left. We think (at a conscious or most often subconscious level) and react. Thoughts give birth to our actions. If we tell ourselves scary stories of future abandonment or catastrophe-we will react out of fear, we will attempt to control, which will give birth to anger. If our peace is rooted in how our kids, our spouses or bosses behave-it is sure to be disrupted as the ocean waves come in and out, but if it is rooted in a never-changing God, who is always good, we will act out of trust in Him and His Word.
The best way to build bridges and connect, is to bear with one another in love and express the fruit of the Spirit, which is love, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
In all aspects of life, whether that be parenting, marriage or on the job, rules without relationship will equal rebellion.
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