“We’ve agreed, we aren’t doing longsuffering.” My inner marmoset’s ears perked. “But,” I thought to myself, “longsuffering is biblical; it’s a fruit of the Spirit-and if it’s biblical, and a fruit of the Spirit, it has a purpose and a blessing attached to walking in it. Why would they decide they are committed to not longsuffering?” I have to admit, I was a little bewildered. It was a couple I was talking to. A positive, fantastic couple, both having great personal character, both of whom had come through abusive previous marriages-having been subjected to spouse’s addictions, verbal abuse, lies, manipulation and infidelity just to name a few of their previous struggles. Can’t say after I had a moment to process, I could blame them. But this niggly little thought in my head wouldn’t let me let it go. Longsuffering is good if it’s a fruit of the Spirit, right? And that made me ponder, is there a time when longsuffering is bad, uncalled for? Toxic? Or was the couple I just referenced using the wrong term, taking longsuffering out of context? I was inspired to dig.
That night, thinking about our earlier conversation, it hit me. Maybe the couple was confusing longsuffering with enabling… Or does God really expect us to stay in an abusive unfaithful relationship? What does longsuffering mean anyway? It’s not often a term we here in the 21st century use outside of church, where sadly, I’ve seen taken out of context. If we stay in a marriage where lies, deceit, abuse and infidelity are present and repeated, ‘false repentances’ often occur, where there is a, ‘Sorry…’ or an, ‘I’ll change…’ and the begging, ‘Please give me another chance…’, but the changes never come and the insults reoccur time and time again; like waves eroding a beach front, tiny pieces of you erode over time. Is there a point when it is no longer a case of righteous longsuffering and instead, staying represents enabling-unboundaried participation in the cycle of abuse? What or where is the tipping point? The line in the sand?
The term longsuffering first shows up in the bible in Exodus 32:6. When we look at the NIV, longsuffering shows up as ‘slow to anger’, in describing God’s attributes. There is no Greek or Hebrew reference in Strong’s Concordance for ‘longsuffering’ in this scripture as there existed no single word for it when that scripture was written. Slow to anger doesn’t mean that God can’t be provoked to anger eventually-it’s just not His first choice. Thankfully for us, instead of a short fuse, He has a long fuse. He is merciful and gracious, abounding in love and faithfulness. I consider when God became angry with His people. He became angry, drawing a line in the sand when His people, He had just delivered from slavery in Egypt, escorting them through a sea He miraculously parted, became unfaithful, forming a golden calf out of their collected jewelry and worshipping it. A pretty big slap in His face. Interesting when we ponder the rage felt when infidelity in marriage occurs.
It’s interesting when I did a word study on longsuffering in the bible-most of the references were in the New Testament. In the NIV translation for longsuffering in Romans 2:4, forbearance pops up-root word, forbear-which in the Webster’s New World Dictionary references “to keep oneself in check; control oneself under provocation.” What that definition doesn’t speak to me of is allowing another’s abusive, toxic behavior to continue unchecked. It’s not a call to be a door mat. It does speak to me of refraining from going nuclear, unleashing my wrath sans self-control on the other person, for instance, my spouse.
In Galatians 5:22, forbearance is the term used instead of longsuffering as a fruit of the Spirit. In this passage, the fruit of the Spirit is compared and contrasted with works of the flesh….offenses perhaps you’ve suffered in a destructive relationship. Starting in Galatians 5:13 through 6:1, there is a whole lot in this passage. We are told the entire law is summed up in this-love your neighbor as yourself. It goes on spelling out acts that aren’t loving, that are common in each of our sin natures, then contrasting with the fruit of the Spirit-where it mentions ‘longsuffering’. Here is the interesting take away for context, continue reading into chapter 6 of Galatians, it talks about ‘gently restoring’ someone who is caught in sin-but watch yourselves that you aren’t tempted ‘to fall into sin yourself while gently restoring’-in other words-not going nuclear, but instead having self-control. It calls us to gently restore our spouses when they are caught in a sin pattern-not to enable him or her by ignoring it, but in love-restore. Of course, there are other steps in peace-making that follow a gentle restoration, but if your spouse refuses to make changes to their destructive behavior, seeking counseling or coaching for help, sometimes a good boundary might mean a goodbye.
I recently enjoyed reading the book Good Boundaries And Goodbyes by Lysa TerKeurst, Jim Cress, et al. Click the link here to purchase: https://www.amazon.com/Good-Boundaries-Goodbyes-Loving-Without/dp/B09XJ7LBMW/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1LUTSL1FX6H31&keywords=good+boundaries+and+goodbyes+lysa+terkeurst&qid=1692719320&sprefix=Good+Boundari%2Caps%2C170&sr=8-1
Indeed the difficulties in relationships exist on a continuum. While there is a spectrum of challenges, some relationships, while not abusive can be more challenging than others. In summation, it isn’t longsuffering (which is loving) to allow a spouse to be destructive in your marriage unchecked-that is enabling and not addressing their sin against you.
Obviously if your spouse is a threat to you-what it looks like to ‘gently restore’ that person may very well look like getting professional assistance and having a plan and resources for your safety.
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