Do you know what drives you? I have a test that I use with my clients that brings clarity to what is driving their habits, interrupting their peace, and interfering with their relationships…..because it’s hard to win the battle if you don’t know how to fight the fight, or ‘who or what’ your enemy is. We often think we are pursuing personal growth (which certainly is a good goal) or our sense of contribution is what’s driving us. We feel we have an altruistic mission to help the greater good or leave a significant mark in our chosen profession or possibly in our free time-or by volunteering or helping serve others (which again is fantastic!). We may think we are chasing love and connection in our marriage-and maybe we are. But is it possible to desire and pursue something that is good in an unhealthy way?
Let me explain. What if beneath all of those seemingly ‘good’ pursuits, you are chasing ‘certainty’? What if there is an identity attachment underneath those otherwise neutral desires? What if a sense of security is ultimately what you are going for and unknowingly hanging your hat on? Is is wrong to desire certainty? Absolutely not! But where are you attaching your sense of certainty? Your sense of identity? When our desires for good things rise to a demand-we get into trouble.
It becomes no longer a ‘good thing’ when I am willing to withhold love to have it. That is the telltale sign that something or someone has captured your heard and risen to an ‘idol’ status.
It can be helpful to always ask-
- am I holding on to this too tight?
- Is my sense of peace disrupted if I have this thing?
- Do I come out swinging if I don’t get my way?
- Do I engage in some form of punishment to others, like silent treatment?…..
if this thing I desire I don’t get (even if it’s a good desire!)?
Because silent treatment was modeled for me, I didn’t realize growing up that it is not healthy, functional or loving. Of course, it felt bad when a parent doled it out; it’s functional purpose, to shame and guilt. But….is shame and guilt the loving way? Instead of moving towards healing and being able to learn from my mistakes, I endured a healthy dose (think hours, even sometimes days) of silent-treatment. It was tortuous. I had stomach aches, fear, panic and a lot of confusion, often not knowing what I did to deserve it or how to fix it. At any rate, the silent treatment was a dysfunctional reaction to them losing a grip on whatever it was they held so tightly to they were willing to withhold love.
Suffice it to say, when our certainty gets shaken-we can get nasty. When the heats rises in the kitchen and we find ourselves with depleted reserve and ability to withstand one-more-stressful-thing…..we can lose a grip. Often, working with clients gives me writing inspiration. This post, I need no such inspiration-it’s all me. This week I was paying bills, well attempting to. I couldn’t access our accounts online and in the heat of frustration (because one of the bills was due that day and I couldn’t ascertain how much money was in the account to pay it), I lost a grip. I held my frustration as I was talking to the young customer service representative. I didn’t lose a grip on her, but in the privacy of my own office, just me and God, I went on a rant. It was a rant the equivalent of 5 year old thrashing on the floor having a temper tantrum. Yes. Me. I confess. I lost an ever-lovin’ grip. Not…..pretty. I actually stunned myself. ‘Who are you and where did Christine go?!?!!!???’
Here is the thing. My heart idol in that moment, as an example to you, was my desire for certainty that I could get the bills paid that day, that I could access my account the way that I usually do. My pattern was disupted in a moment when my reserves were low. Did I need to lose a grip? No. Was it helpful in any way? No. My brain was completely hijacked and my ability to problem solve went by the wayside for a bit. I had a myriad of options I could have deployed to overcome the challenge. But I was fixated on my usual way of navigating the system.
Hopefully this peek into my fail, this example of an unhealthy grasp for certainty helps you realize that our heart idols are sneaky and they show up in every way, daily. In the process we can hurt others and grieve God.
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