Day 6 of 2024. I thought I would begin a series of blog posts-peering into my new book How to Wreck Your Marriage 1o1, chapter by chapter. Of course the principles in the book were specifically addressing how they apply to and effect marriage. But if you are a big picture ponderer as I am, you can ‘go big’ and apply them to the rest of your life and relationships as well. Even, I would argue, your relationship with God.
Chapter 1 delves into focus. It’s a new year. A fresh start. How we focus, what we focus on-will in large part determine how we experience 2024. What do you want to experience in life on a day to day basis? What kind of an outcome do you want? Do you want to just slog through your coming year, your marriage, your days, miserable, angry, bitter, low energy? I doubt it. But how often do we slog? I used to be a slogger. I complained and wasn’t happy or joyful a lot. I directly attribute my attitude to my focus. I didn’t focus on gratitude. I didn’t focus on all the good things that I was grateful for, reality is-there were plenty of things to be grateful for! For instance, I didn’t focus on my husbands gentle spirit. I focused on the fact that I wanted him to lead, and he wasn’t leading. By focusing on what he wasn’t doing that I wanted him to do, I was in a constant state of frustration, bitterness and anger. I literally was making myself miserable by where I was directing my focus.
How often have you said, or heard someone else say, ‘They made me so mad!’ I would argue you made yourself mad. You see, we have a myriad of choices in how we choose to think, focus and respond. We certainly can choose to get angry and bitter at life. We can choose to work ourselves into a nice lather at other’s failures. We can choose to focus on all that is wrong, all that irritates us. But, I would argue if we are doing that, we aren’t focusing on the whole truth. We aren’t looking at both sides of the coin. We aren’t approaching life and relationships with a truly balanced perspective. When we focus only on how those around us aren’t (in our opinion) meeting the mark. We are biasing toward the negative, and we aren’t walking in whole-storied thinking.
Let’s look at a humorous example. Say your husband burns the toast on a regular basis, and hypothetically you aren’t a fan of burnt toast. Perhaps he has other qualities that irritate you just as much as the scorching of the toast. If all you do is hone in on the fact that he is a toast torcher (and all the rest of the niggly little things that get under your skin), you aren’t telling the whole story. Maybe he isn’t Guy Ferraro in the kitchen when it comes to nailing the perfectly browned slice of bread to accompany the rest of breakfast, but he has mad skills when it comes to making the eggs. Or maybe outside of the kitchen, he is a wonderful father to the kids and has more patience with them than, ‘e’hem,’ you possess. When we focus on other’s failures, weaknesses and shortcomings, we will make ourselves miserable. We also aren’t taking into consideration, how we fail and where we blow it as well. Because, at the end of the day-we ALL fail. When we balance our thinking and invite into our private mental dialogue all their good qualities, we will find ourselves more appreciative and more likely to extend grace. When we focus on all that is good, it’s easier to have a loving response towards that person, and others in general. We will be life-giving, relationship building, other’s-lifting people. And isn’t that the goal, to love God and love others?
For a help with this, consider what Philippians 4:8 says. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things.”
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It’s a New Year! New possibilities await! Whether your marriage is a struggle or you just want to bring it up a notch and optimize your relationship, check out my new e-book, How to Wreck Your Marriage 1o1. You will be invited to peer into the mirror and analyze the common things you may be doing that are sabotaging your relationship.
Click here to check out my Christian Marriage Troubleshooting 6 Week Course for all kinds of tools to think differently and navigate the relationship challenges that come with marriage: Christian Marriage Trouble-Shooting 6 Week Course | Mustard Seed (teachable.com)