So, in my last post https://mustardseedcoachingandmediation.com/what-longsuffering-isnt/ we talked about how longsuffering, the term, had been subsequently taught and interpreted to mean enduring misery, abuse and unfaithfulness in a marriage without addressing issues. So what would God’s purpose be in ‘patiently enduring’ through life together in the context of marriage?
I think back to conversations I’ve had with people where we have explored the concept of having good character in marriage as foundational to intimacy, trust-ultimately being tied to longevity within any relationship-especially with regard to marriage. I recently watched a two-part series from Focus on the Family when Jim Daly interviewed Dr. Julie Slattery
https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/broadcast/rethinking-godly-sexuality-in-your-marriage-part-1-of-2/. In Part 2 she contrasts the term covenant with contract. Often people enter into marriage with a contractual mentality where in, “As long as I am getting my needs met, then we are all good, if and when I’m not, I’m outta here.” More like a business deal. That always assumes a veiled threat of divorce or at a the very least a right to retaliate, or punish if I’m not getting my needs met. Therefore there is no covenantal trust. God loves us however, with a covenantal love.
So the character trait of faithfulness is key that every other part of your marriage will be built on. You won’t have intimate knowing, sacrificial giving or great intimacy without it. It’s the most important part of your sex life. As Dr. Slattery puts it, your spouse needs to know and trust that you are a safe person, that they can trust you, you’re reliable, you have ‘their best’ in mind, guiding your actions.
Dr. Slattery also mentions another pillar of covenantal love being sacrificial giving. I think this also speaks to a level of longsuffering. Opposites attract; one can’t argue that. As a result of being attracted to our opposite, we will compliment each other-but will not have the same needs and desires in every way. In this, we will learn to love sacrificially. Honesty, faithfulness, sacrificial love, woven together like a perfect rope-speaks loudly of character. The difficulty is we all want what we want when we want it. It is easy for us to insert ourselves, demand our wants, our needs first. You may not want to admit this but, at our very core, we are all selfish, yes, you and I included! We can learn to become selfless. When we look towards imitating the love of God-it is first, sacrificial. The Apostle Paul says in Romans 5:8, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” John 3:16 say, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” Would you allow your kid to be sacrificed for the sins of humanity? That’s some pretty big love. And in 1 John 4:19, “We love because he first loved us.” We don’t love God because he threatens us with hell, we love God because he demonstrated a sacrificial love for us so we don’t have to spend eternity separated from Him.
If you have never seen the movie Fireproof, it’s a must-see. https://www.amazon.com/Fireproof-Kirk-Cameron/dp/B001KEHAFI/ref=sr_1_3?crid=31512O2RQ90BH&keywords=fireproof+movie&qid=1693254387&sprefix=Fireproof+m%2Caps%2C158&sr=8-3
Someone has to go first when both are wounded and struggling in their marriage. Someone, longsufferingly, needs to love first-even when the other person doesn’t deserve it (absent an abusive situation or infidelity) in order for a relationship to endure through the years and thrive-because we are essentially wired differently-with differing needs. None of us deserve grace. I’ve born witness, first hand, to how grace-longsuffering, patiently enduring, models for a spouse how to love, changing hearts and turning a marriage around that was headed for disaster. Intimacy, trust and faithfulness….committedness and bondedness grew where I witnessed hopelessness. A deeper, covenantal love grew to replace what began as a contract.
When I describe longsuffering-I am not speaking of ‘patiently enduring without addressing the issues’-that is enabling, which ultimately isn’t truly loving at all. Love rejoices in the truth-gently restoring. 1 Corinthians 13:1-18 describes love. https://www.blueletterbible.org/niv/1co/13/1/s_1075001
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